Reading this piece really opens up my childhood, as someone who has grown up never knowing my dad, made me a self destructive young man who buried the pain deep inside!
This is a recurring theme for you; it's one of the greatest heartbreaks I imagine. I can relate to my dad suppose to coming to visit me and never coming. I am at the stage where no contact I feel is the best approach with my dad, though I pray for his ultimate peace wherever he is.
Thank you for putting your heart on your sleeve! And unrelated looking good at London Fashion Week haha.
I appreciated this personal peek into you're experience- a story that likely resonated with more of your readers than not.
While not my exact experience, this article made me reflect on my bits of dad (I'm actually reading this on Father's Day, how fitting). My bits were parts of the village that raised me- the one who made me, those that stepped up, others that were invited. I was blessed to have a lot of "bits" to help me through those resilience building moments with my own dad.
Yes, write the book- for you, for us, for those dads who shared their bits with you.
Very thought provoking. I found myself think about my childhood. I guess we all grow up differently but there are moments in every humans childhood that mark them, whether good or bad.
That line about your Mom saying “There’s rice at home”, it made me laugh cause it’s similar to what mine would say. Except when we would ask for junk food she would just look at us an say “There’s food at home” 😂!
This was so raw and beautiful at the same time. I could hear your heart in every paragraph. As you grow your emotions do too. Thank you for sharing hits of dad. A nice prelude opening for Sunday. I think you need to do an audio book soon😉
I am step father to a 14 year old boy whose father doesn’t make any effort with him. I try my best to fill that void but nobody can ever replace his dad. Thankfully we do have a really good loving relationship for the most part.
Every time he goes to his grandparents and his dad can’t be arsed to go and see him, you can see how much he hurts.
The bits of dad, which I’ve heard you discuss before (maybe on the pod) definitely resonates with what I see from him. He definitely idolises his uncles, grandparents, older family friends etc.
Really loved reading the piece and hit home how he must be feeling at times.
As someone who grew up in a two-parent home, I can really appreciate this - not understand fully, as it isn't my experience, but really appreciate it. My Dad was always one of those 'bits' for a lot of the young people in my family. Hell, a whole ass bit. With so many of my friends and cousins growing up in single parent homes, my Dad was basically the village Pops. Always handing out that advice and counsel, spending time with them when they needed it - to this very day.
I really, really love him for it now - but as a kid and teenager, I remember feeling fed up because it was like I had to share my Dad all the time. And even though he was always there, it didn't always feel like he was fully present, because his attention was always divided across the whole family. And you know black families be big. But as a woman now, I see and understand how important it is to have black men in our community who act as adoptive fathers.
Thank you so much for sharing this very precious, inner part of you. Your writing style is really a bit of me. I loved your first book and really look forward to reading this one, when you drop it. No pressure at all, in your own time. The work is never done, they always say. But I'm sure writing this will 100% help you along that journey.
This hits home on so many levels. I never had my father around as a child so I can relate. Thank you for sharing your truth.
The part apart waiting for him and him never turning up… imagine me waiting over 20 years for my dad and then when he finally does turn up he lets you down yet again.
The weight and trauma..
Have you ever seen / read ‘knock knock’ by Daniel Beaty
Once you start evolving and regulating your emotional intelligence, those dark nights of the soul and the shadow stuff - doesn't really feel like "work" more like an unfolding.
I think they say work because most people would find it, like work, extremely hard to open up (even with the chin stroking therapist).
Just like they call giving birth - "labour" coz it's hard work!
Lots of female energy around you growing up no wonder you write with such empathy and understanding.
Firstly, you write brilliantly and I want to put my arms around 5 year-old you…
I come from a very similar absent father scenario and I can relate to much of what you describe. But conversely, I don’t feel any of the yearning that you perhaps do (or did).
I don’t even think of this as complex - I don’t want to give my father that hold or control over my life. In its simplest terms, it’s embarrassing enough that I share a bloodline with him. He never had, and still does not have, any significance.
I do wonder if this all too common situation weighs heavier for boys, I can see the complexity there, absolutely.
I hope with time the weight shifts for you, it becomes lighter and it lives alongside you, rather than on top of you.
Keep sharing - I think it helps you as much as it does all of us (and write the book!)
In terms of the weight of it all, its definitely a lighter and much more understood corner of personal history I've both made peace with and grown so much because of. In further writing, 'BOD' explains further where this history not only places me today, but what its inspiring in the father I aim to be.
This was so beautiful and so honest. I felt like I was in the room listening to you talk. I can’t wait to keep listening/reading your inner thoughts and workings out. Feels like I am learning too.
Thank you for sharing. I do hope Bits of Dad becomes a fully fledged book. Don’t you dare wait another eight years 😆.
I love the way you write. It feels like a friend giving you insight into a deeper level of themselves, as opposed to putting up a screen and cherry picking a ‘safe’, curated version of your thoughts.
I don't think I'll be allowed to wait that long, not if you guys have anything to say about it... I appreciate the thoughts on my writing. I'm really enjoying expressing myself with longer form pieces of writing... I think this platform will see a lot more of me going forward...
Reading this piece really opens up my childhood, as someone who has grown up never knowing my dad, made me a self destructive young man who buried the pain deep inside!
We need this book, don’t wait! X
Thanks fella… I WILL get it done.
This is a recurring theme for you; it's one of the greatest heartbreaks I imagine. I can relate to my dad suppose to coming to visit me and never coming. I am at the stage where no contact I feel is the best approach with my dad, though I pray for his ultimate peace wherever he is.
Thank you for putting your heart on your sleeve! And unrelated looking good at London Fashion Week haha.
Much appreciated… really.
I appreciated this personal peek into you're experience- a story that likely resonated with more of your readers than not.
While not my exact experience, this article made me reflect on my bits of dad (I'm actually reading this on Father's Day, how fitting). My bits were parts of the village that raised me- the one who made me, those that stepped up, others that were invited. I was blessed to have a lot of "bits" to help me through those resilience building moments with my own dad.
Yes, write the book- for you, for us, for those dads who shared their bits with you.
I guess I really should get writing huh?
Ahh the classic meet up with dad at McDonald’s. This brought up some core memories buried from childhood. Thanks for sharing ❤️🩹
Very thought provoking. I found myself think about my childhood. I guess we all grow up differently but there are moments in every humans childhood that mark them, whether good or bad.
That line about your Mom saying “There’s rice at home”, it made me laugh cause it’s similar to what mine would say. Except when we would ask for junk food she would just look at us an say “There’s food at home” 😂!
To this day, there’s always rice in that big ass pot. Haha
This was so raw and beautiful at the same time. I could hear your heart in every paragraph. As you grow your emotions do too. Thank you for sharing hits of dad. A nice prelude opening for Sunday. I think you need to do an audio book soon😉
Audiobook?! Haha I need a better mic for those Overdubs first! My loud ass phone voice is a nightmare.
I am step father to a 14 year old boy whose father doesn’t make any effort with him. I try my best to fill that void but nobody can ever replace his dad. Thankfully we do have a really good loving relationship for the most part.
Every time he goes to his grandparents and his dad can’t be arsed to go and see him, you can see how much he hurts.
The bits of dad, which I’ve heard you discuss before (maybe on the pod) definitely resonates with what I see from him. He definitely idolises his uncles, grandparents, older family friends etc.
Really loved reading the piece and hit home how he must be feeling at times.
Thanks Jordan, the great step dads rarely get their flowers. I hope you’re getting yours fella.
'Bits of Dad' - I really, really love that.
As someone who grew up in a two-parent home, I can really appreciate this - not understand fully, as it isn't my experience, but really appreciate it. My Dad was always one of those 'bits' for a lot of the young people in my family. Hell, a whole ass bit. With so many of my friends and cousins growing up in single parent homes, my Dad was basically the village Pops. Always handing out that advice and counsel, spending time with them when they needed it - to this very day.
I really, really love him for it now - but as a kid and teenager, I remember feeling fed up because it was like I had to share my Dad all the time. And even though he was always there, it didn't always feel like he was fully present, because his attention was always divided across the whole family. And you know black families be big. But as a woman now, I see and understand how important it is to have black men in our community who act as adoptive fathers.
Thank you so much for sharing this very precious, inner part of you. Your writing style is really a bit of me. I loved your first book and really look forward to reading this one, when you drop it. No pressure at all, in your own time. The work is never done, they always say. But I'm sure writing this will 100% help you along that journey.
Villiage pops are some of the most under appreciated men… I know a few, and they all seem to be so good for so many…
100% pillars of the community, fr.
Thanks for the honesty as always 🙏
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read this at first. I’d healed my relationship with my dad and then last year he passed away pretty quickly from cancer.
As a kid he was in and out our lives.
I know that gut wrenching feeling of wanting him to show up but knowing it probably wasn’t going to happen today.
I had the opportunity as an adult to lay all my shit bare with him and it started a new relationship for us. So I feel lucky that I got a 2nd chance.
The work is complex and long and just when you get on a grip on it, it goes in a new direction. But, c’est la vie!
I’m glad you came around to reading… 2nd chances are worth their weight.
This hits home on so many levels. I never had my father around as a child so I can relate. Thank you for sharing your truth.
The part apart waiting for him and him never turning up… imagine me waiting over 20 years for my dad and then when he finally does turn up he lets you down yet again.
The weight and trauma..
Have you ever seen / read ‘knock knock’ by Daniel Beaty
Thanks so much for reading... I don't know 'knock knock' no. What's the book about?
Once you start evolving and regulating your emotional intelligence, those dark nights of the soul and the shadow stuff - doesn't really feel like "work" more like an unfolding.
I think they say work because most people would find it, like work, extremely hard to open up (even with the chin stroking therapist).
Just like they call giving birth - "labour" coz it's hard work!
Lots of female energy around you growing up no wonder you write with such empathy and understanding.
Thanks Molly... The work is ongoing!
write the book! not only for all of us but for you. the honesty in your writing is something that is lacking with so many people today
I hear you, and the more comments I read, I think I may have to crack open the old hard drive...
Firstly, you write brilliantly and I want to put my arms around 5 year-old you…
I come from a very similar absent father scenario and I can relate to much of what you describe. But conversely, I don’t feel any of the yearning that you perhaps do (or did).
I don’t even think of this as complex - I don’t want to give my father that hold or control over my life. In its simplest terms, it’s embarrassing enough that I share a bloodline with him. He never had, and still does not have, any significance.
I do wonder if this all too common situation weighs heavier for boys, I can see the complexity there, absolutely.
I hope with time the weight shifts for you, it becomes lighter and it lives alongside you, rather than on top of you.
Keep sharing - I think it helps you as much as it does all of us (and write the book!)
Thanks so much Hannah and I hear you on the book!
In terms of the weight of it all, its definitely a lighter and much more understood corner of personal history I've both made peace with and grown so much because of. In further writing, 'BOD' explains further where this history not only places me today, but what its inspiring in the father I aim to be.
I’m glad to hear it and with that framing and the work you have done, I have no doubt you will be a wonderful father.
This was so beautiful and so honest. I felt like I was in the room listening to you talk. I can’t wait to keep listening/reading your inner thoughts and workings out. Feels like I am learning too.
Love you Basma... Thanks for reading...
Thank you for sharing. I do hope Bits of Dad becomes a fully fledged book. Don’t you dare wait another eight years 😆.
I love the way you write. It feels like a friend giving you insight into a deeper level of themselves, as opposed to putting up a screen and cherry picking a ‘safe’, curated version of your thoughts.
I don't think I'll be allowed to wait that long, not if you guys have anything to say about it... I appreciate the thoughts on my writing. I'm really enjoying expressing myself with longer form pieces of writing... I think this platform will see a lot more of me going forward...