Moving from out of London into a loving community where my 3 year old son is best friends with our 70year old neighbour from across the street, in comparison to London (where I grew up) has now become a city I once knew - the soul of the community has slowly diminished where many people find it very difficult to make eye contact let alone say, “Good day”.
However, I still hold the values of still saying good afternoon to someone who walks by me or allowing a family onto transport first, which gives me internal joy especially as they look up at me with the, “Are you sure?” facial expression, clearly something many in London are no longer used to.
Please keep writing your thoughts and feelings matter 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
Loved this. Community is everything and I think London has really lost so much of that now, as it moves towards being a lot more individualistic. And the funny thing is, you go on socials and see all these events happening because people are yearning for connection - but then we go out into the world and no one wants to say hi to each other! Connection and community is about safe spaces - you’d only hope that you’d feel safe enough to connect with those that you literally share domestic space with.
Growing up in Catford, on my road we had five Jamaican families in our section of the street, including mine. Needless to say all the summer bbqs were lit! My dad is still close friends with Rod from across the road, he even converted our loft back in the day. And I still keep in touch with his kids on the old insta, we’re all similar ages now. When you’re intentional with your neighbours, you may make connections for life. However, I seldom hear these stories anymore and it’s a real shame.
I used to live in a “high rise” apartment building, and while it was beautiful…it’s something that I said I would never do again. I longed for the neighborhood feel that you just can’t get in the heart of the city. I completely empathize and agree with everything you wrote. Especially about how we engage online, and have much to say. But don’t even speak to peak passing in the street!
I really love and appreciate your heart for community, even though I’m pretty much the opposite. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m like the walking dead (great show, by the way), but I do tend to keep myself to myself. I’ll always smile and offer a polite hello, but small talk is excruciating for me, and I can never seem to get away from a conversation once it starts. It’s definitely a me thing.
That said, I do agree we’ve lost sight of what it means to be a true community, and life has lost some of its warm embrace...
Hmmm, good question... London felt friendlier back when I lived there, perhaps it's social atrophy at play now. It's less noticeable in Brighton, everyone loves a chat. Maybe you need to move here, haha
Society has definitely shifted over the years, even in New Zealand, well at least white culture. My Mum grew up in a time when people left their doors unlocked and the neighbours would pop by unannounced to say hello, there was so much more neighbourhood community that went on. These days higher fences have gone up down the streets, when I think about white culture in NZ these days the word individualism comes to mind. I say white culture because it's very different from the Māori and Pacific Island cultures which are centred around their community in every way whether that's home life (often intergeneration living), church, on the marae.
Of course with my Dad being from London he had a different upbringing, he definitely talked about that it would be rude to have unannounced visitors, but I do wonder if my Grandma would still pop over next-door for eggs or lemons if needed.
It would be great if we could all make more of an effort to connect, I think there's something beautiful that happens when we take the focus off our own lives and take time to get to know other people and hear their life stories.
Definitely, I'd love more connection with the neighbourhood around me, I have my friend community but that's different because we are pretty scattered around the place. There is one neighbour that I'm friendly with but most keep themselves to themselves.
Sorry Reggie but sounds like you are projecting your need for connection onto them. We never know what is going on in people's lives, some people are slow burners. Not to take away that you will represent something to them just as they to you, but it's when we get past the thoughts about the interactions that true connection happens. Community takes time, trust, mutual support, but you are in a liminal space right now and that's what you will attract. As a Londoner I have often not wanted to connect with people becuase I know they will leave and I will be sad, so I had to learn to allow the connection and to say goodbye because it is worth it for the time we spend together. However, I also understand the feeling when you do connect and feel part of belonging to a space, it means alot to be accepted into a space and to be truly seen, but I also understand that when I'm not, that that space is not for me even if i really wanted it. I ask myself is this really a space I want to be in? The main thing I try to hold onto is to never lose who you are to fit in.
On another note my friend recently gifted me a tote bag with his artwork printed on it he told me it felt like he can now call himself and artist haha. Never underestimate the power of the tote!
I hear you... No projection, just a craving for something I know to exist in other parts of the city I've lived... Connection is everything and so special when you feel it with the people you share space with.
I hear you, I guess it's about how you feel when you don't get what you crave having had it before. I'm then wondering about how the architecture or design of a place lends its self to that? was it built on an ancient burial ground :)?
I'd be delighted to have you as a neighbour, especially in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
👏 👏 👏 there’s something so special about the people you can leave a key with. London has become sterile in so many places but you’ll find your little pockets of love. I feel so lucky to have my village in two areas - my home and my part time job area. The market workers, key makers, bakers who give me a discount because were friends and the Portuguese fam who have accepted me and make the best coffee despite my language ignorance. Hoping you’ll find your village soon with your neighbours and your neighbourhoods. ♥️
Love you describing your safe space as a village... I think that's what this city and its infinite pockets really could be like, if there is investment from the people...
Unlike many I personally love not knowing my neighbours and will make sure it stays that way whilst I live in the city - my ultimate goal is to live alone on some acres of land with some forestry in a property that cannot be seen by anyone easily set behind gates and a looonnnggg ass gravel driveway…
Me? A grumpy old man?? With MY reputation??? Never!
I felt this, especially that moment in the lift. I’ve had three neighbours in as many months and not one has said a single word to me. I’ve given up trying which maybe makes me part of the problem.
It’s such a strange feeling, being surrounded by people but still feeling completely on your own. The tote bag struggle made me laugh, but the part about missing that sense of community really hit
Haha this had me laughing and side-eyeing my entire block. If I see one more lifeless shuffle to the mailbox in socks and existential fatigue, I’m filing for a neighbourhood transfer!
Its crazy-making wanting people to live 'your way', people you don't even know... I am guilty of feeling that BUT, thankfully, that feeling is fleeting... Common sense prevails. Thank the lord.
Ooohhh this is an absolute joy to read.
Moving from out of London into a loving community where my 3 year old son is best friends with our 70year old neighbour from across the street, in comparison to London (where I grew up) has now become a city I once knew - the soul of the community has slowly diminished where many people find it very difficult to make eye contact let alone say, “Good day”.
However, I still hold the values of still saying good afternoon to someone who walks by me or allowing a family onto transport first, which gives me internal joy especially as they look up at me with the, “Are you sure?” facial expression, clearly something many in London are no longer used to.
Please keep writing your thoughts and feelings matter 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
Loved this. Community is everything and I think London has really lost so much of that now, as it moves towards being a lot more individualistic. And the funny thing is, you go on socials and see all these events happening because people are yearning for connection - but then we go out into the world and no one wants to say hi to each other! Connection and community is about safe spaces - you’d only hope that you’d feel safe enough to connect with those that you literally share domestic space with.
Growing up in Catford, on my road we had five Jamaican families in our section of the street, including mine. Needless to say all the summer bbqs were lit! My dad is still close friends with Rod from across the road, he even converted our loft back in the day. And I still keep in touch with his kids on the old insta, we’re all similar ages now. When you’re intentional with your neighbours, you may make connections for life. However, I seldom hear these stories anymore and it’s a real shame.
I used to live in a “high rise” apartment building, and while it was beautiful…it’s something that I said I would never do again. I longed for the neighborhood feel that you just can’t get in the heart of the city. I completely empathize and agree with everything you wrote. Especially about how we engage online, and have much to say. But don’t even speak to peak passing in the street!
Love your work. Keep going!
Thanks Yarnell!
I really love and appreciate your heart for community, even though I’m pretty much the opposite. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m like the walking dead (great show, by the way), but I do tend to keep myself to myself. I’ll always smile and offer a polite hello, but small talk is excruciating for me, and I can never seem to get away from a conversation once it starts. It’s definitely a me thing.
That said, I do agree we’ve lost sight of what it means to be a true community, and life has lost some of its warm embrace...
Has that always been the case in your city? Or have you moved somewhere new?
Hmmm, good question... London felt friendlier back when I lived there, perhaps it's social atrophy at play now. It's less noticeable in Brighton, everyone loves a chat. Maybe you need to move here, haha
Reg as usual another wicked thought provoking piece of writing
mate can relate so very much bro innit and totally agree!
Keep writing fella 👍🏻👌🏻🤜🏻🤛🏾😏🥳
Yeah Reg mate I’m in Canada Water/Rotherhithe.
My flat is on The Thames mate opposite Canary Wharf.
We’ve both got a mutual old mate!
A very good old mate of yours!
Can we DM on here brother? Nick
Appreciated!
Are you in London?
How've you found the shift as it grows and inevitably changes...
I always enjoy reading your thoughts.
Society has definitely shifted over the years, even in New Zealand, well at least white culture. My Mum grew up in a time when people left their doors unlocked and the neighbours would pop by unannounced to say hello, there was so much more neighbourhood community that went on. These days higher fences have gone up down the streets, when I think about white culture in NZ these days the word individualism comes to mind. I say white culture because it's very different from the Māori and Pacific Island cultures which are centred around their community in every way whether that's home life (often intergeneration living), church, on the marae.
Of course with my Dad being from London he had a different upbringing, he definitely talked about that it would be rude to have unannounced visitors, but I do wonder if my Grandma would still pop over next-door for eggs or lemons if needed.
It would be great if we could all make more of an effort to connect, I think there's something beautiful that happens when we take the focus off our own lives and take time to get to know other people and hear their life stories.
Thanks Anna...
I loved NZ the two times I visited... do you crave what your mum described as her version of community?
Definitely, I'd love more connection with the neighbourhood around me, I have my friend community but that's different because we are pretty scattered around the place. There is one neighbour that I'm friendly with but most keep themselves to themselves.
Sorry Reggie but sounds like you are projecting your need for connection onto them. We never know what is going on in people's lives, some people are slow burners. Not to take away that you will represent something to them just as they to you, but it's when we get past the thoughts about the interactions that true connection happens. Community takes time, trust, mutual support, but you are in a liminal space right now and that's what you will attract. As a Londoner I have often not wanted to connect with people becuase I know they will leave and I will be sad, so I had to learn to allow the connection and to say goodbye because it is worth it for the time we spend together. However, I also understand the feeling when you do connect and feel part of belonging to a space, it means alot to be accepted into a space and to be truly seen, but I also understand that when I'm not, that that space is not for me even if i really wanted it. I ask myself is this really a space I want to be in? The main thing I try to hold onto is to never lose who you are to fit in.
On another note my friend recently gifted me a tote bag with his artwork printed on it he told me it felt like he can now call himself and artist haha. Never underestimate the power of the tote!
I hear you... No projection, just a craving for something I know to exist in other parts of the city I've lived... Connection is everything and so special when you feel it with the people you share space with.
I hear you, I guess it's about how you feel when you don't get what you crave having had it before. I'm then wondering about how the architecture or design of a place lends its self to that? was it built on an ancient burial ground :)?
I'd be delighted to have you as a neighbour, especially in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
👏 👏 👏 there’s something so special about the people you can leave a key with. London has become sterile in so many places but you’ll find your little pockets of love. I feel so lucky to have my village in two areas - my home and my part time job area. The market workers, key makers, bakers who give me a discount because were friends and the Portuguese fam who have accepted me and make the best coffee despite my language ignorance. Hoping you’ll find your village soon with your neighbours and your neighbourhoods. ♥️
Love you describing your safe space as a village... I think that's what this city and its infinite pockets really could be like, if there is investment from the people...
In my MM005 post (https://regyates.substack.com/p/midwek-music-005-with-maverick-sabre) I talk about the local pub being a shortcut to the heartbeat of the community...
I guess the home I'm moving into (once my renovation is complete) has that village you speak to already built in.
Unlike many I personally love not knowing my neighbours and will make sure it stays that way whilst I live in the city - my ultimate goal is to live alone on some acres of land with some forestry in a property that cannot be seen by anyone easily set behind gates and a looonnnggg ass gravel driveway…
Me? A grumpy old man?? With MY reputation??? Never!
The sound of that gravel as you drive in though... offfttt I see you Perry.
Here for the grump.
I felt this, especially that moment in the lift. I’ve had three neighbours in as many months and not one has said a single word to me. I’ve given up trying which maybe makes me part of the problem.
It’s such a strange feeling, being surrounded by people but still feeling completely on your own. The tote bag struggle made me laugh, but the part about missing that sense of community really hit
Tell me these are coming… first in line!
Is this your way of asking for a Reset Tote bag?
Haha this had me laughing and side-eyeing my entire block. If I see one more lifeless shuffle to the mailbox in socks and existential fatigue, I’m filing for a neighbourhood transfer!
Wearing just socks at the mailbox is nuts.
That is NOT a side eye moment, thats a full on stare down. LOLLL
This is so true. You can feel alone and not part of a community, or fully embraced and it’s a lottery.
I left a community full of pot lucks and open doors. I now reside in one where I don’t know the names of those who live across the street from me.
I liked when you said “who am I to tell them to engage?” Because I also sometimes want to push my need for community and civility on others too.
Its crazy-making wanting people to live 'your way', people you don't even know... I am guilty of feeling that BUT, thankfully, that feeling is fleeting... Common sense prevails. Thank the lord.